In the midst of all the trauma I face and cause others to undergo, the feeling of acute silliness arises now. What Samita had to suffer has all to do with me and with me alone. She should not have felt any discomfort but for my indiscretion. And why ? I have been made to realise that these incidents are what brakes and makes one's life long association with the ones you live with.
with the not so happy events of the past few weeks (now, I guess), i am beginning to realise that no matter how hard you try, things will go the way your subconscious chooses it to move.. And my internnal engine is way out of equilibrium these days, infact I was never so uncertain, tired and exhausted as I am now. I feel disgust and neglect at the way I am treated back at o, but why is there the need to be so personal with the work you do. Everybody who knows me asks why on earth do I feel so tired and so pissed off as I am feeling now and then move on tonsuggest that maybe ' it is time to move on'....
These talks have hopefully made me realise that whatever i may do for the place I work in, how many plastic bags I may lift and throw into the dustbin, how much material help I may provide to the not so well off people of the staff and beyond how well I do my daily work and with an efficiency that no one can match in a radius of some square kilometres, i still do not have the right to assume that this place is mine and neither can I get emotionally attched to the place that gives me my daily bread.
When I was in school, I used to be very friendly with the coutless gardnerers and other sundry staff that make up the bulk of St. Patricks. Today, when I go back, it still feels so strange that most of them copme upto me and ask me and ask about my sister and my father and my mother. How, after so many long years do they still remember me. How they ask each time, '' ae re kamon acchis''. Was being happy and smiling to them each time I met them for more than ten years sufficient reason for them to be emphatic about me, especuially they have no material gain or loss talking to me. Being good and positive brings about a vibe that stays till the end of time, isnt it.
In college, I was good with so many people, taking part in the daily lives and me not making an issue about it. Talking to them, evening having an occasional tea with them, laughing with them, letting them laugh at me and just having a whale of a time. I never had to make an effort to make them feel that i am being good to them.
It was around that time in 2000 and 2001, that I began to develop a theory that there is absolutely no motive, other than being good for the sake of it, in bringing about those few minutes of smile to a persons' life and also that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW, O HOW GOOD YOU DOING TO THE WORLD.
This theory took shape and worked everywhere and even works presently where I live, but with an afterthought. People took a lot of time and probably still do not accept it with full faith, that anybody can take care or think good of thers without asking something back from them.
But what picks me and rips my thoughts, is that the quantum of work I do and the level and the quality of work I do, seemingly does not cross the levels to the concerned people and each time I have to make an effort to tell them that 'hey, look, I have done so much'। They say if you have to talk loud of your work to the ones who matter, your work then is ' नाकाम ' Is it true then, is my work not substantial enough to make an impact directly without me having to make an effort to put it across to others.
Has my theory gone bust..........