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March 25, 2016

How memories fade

First, comes the pain and the grief. Shock at him dying. The comes then empathy, the messages, the sharing of your grief. Then time passes.

And then a month or so, first people who know you as an acquaintance clean slates him, then your friends saying, 'he was a good dog but what is gone is gone, you cannot bring it back'. Then your family, ' he is gone but he is always there for you, he is looking down at you'.

Then nobody talks about him, not even you. you may be scared that people think you are a physco, your closest freinds change the topic when you again start talking about him.

People ask whether your mourning is over. You mother says it is time to move one, staff says get a new dog, some other friend says, ' chill, he was just a dog'.

The you start forgetting him, his face is not as clear as it was for the past 6 years, his paws look faded, forgetting his eyes and how they looked up at you, the tears form but find it increasingly difficult to come out. Everybody around you has moved on, even you are taking involuntary steps to move on.

You are forgetting your son, your life and your love. You think about him, pass over his photos casually and forget memories.

You are just an asshole like the rest of us. You are but, just a human. Fuck You KS. Siddu will not forget you. Will you???

March 22, 2016

My Mourning will Go on Forever

What they say does not matter. What they don't say does not matter an ounce.

But while nothing matters and nothing else matters even more, it appears that there is one thing that matters, flying in the face of my fundamental theory system. And while this blog is mine and I tend to or rather have started using it as a diary, there is this that I am announcing to myself.

My mourning will go on forever. And I will cry and cry and think and think and despair. I will be sullen and sad, have red eyes and parched lips. I will gaze out like a monk and when I don't feel like it, I will sleep. I will get up when I want and do what I want and I when I feel like it, I will cry more.
For doubters, mourning can go on forever. Everybody loses somebody. I lost my everybody, my best buddy, Siddu and I am not at all happy about it. The moment I got to know, I realised that things will never be the same again but this is one slash and burn by god/dog that was completely unwarranted. And the problem is I cannot even complain to anybody. My sister says that noone will understand my pain and will not be able to empathise as well. She is right.

But I have the right to mourn and mourn I shall and mourn I will. I will mourn for him till I mourn myself to death.

March 18, 2016

I miss my dog and I miss him so much

Boy, a month now already. Siddu boy, hate to say this but time seriously waits for none and neither does it give reason on what it decides to do with a anybody. Maybe, they were jealous that you were a god and not a dog and were hogging all the limelight. These gods can be jealous and vindictive if given a chance. They are after all our imaginations and we do noting except be vindictive or jealous or cussed most of our time. But in this grand scheme of things, why would they screw your happiness.

You never did really learn to read or write, infact you learnt to do nothing. The master of doing nothing, who wagged his tail if needed and make the most useless face to get a little more food. Remember, I used to say that you were never given any training and that was but the truth. You never had any technical training and all you ever did was whatever you wanted to do, which again was nothing. Ambitious humans would commit suicide seeing your lack of professional ideologies.

But you did one thing better than anyone. You fucking knew how to love me, more than anyone could have had ever. Every love came with a set of conditions even mother's love. You bloody fellow loved with no agenda and how. Licking, waiting for me, jumping on me, looking back as you would walk, sitting in front of whichever closed door I was behind. Ohh Siddu, why did you break my heart, why did you go away.

March 15, 2016

Know what boy, I am developing a phobia against them. They are everywhere, these scums. They laugh aloud, appear so confident, talk loud and dress proper. I cannot stand them. They are wise and smart, they know what to do. They have been trying to find the answer to our creation from billions of years back, they think they can find that out. They want to go far from earth and say that they have done it.

If I ask any of them, why would you want to this or that, that answer is the perennial "Why Not?". Smart alecs. They are ambitious, they protect their turf, more territorial than any tiger or leopard.

They talk smart, analyse and over analyse, hoard things and when they give away things, make it seem that they are doing a favour to the world.

Siddu boy, I cannot stay longer with them.

March 12, 2016

Wonder what is happening to Siddu after his death

I was a privileged one.

And had not seen any deaths in the family. Some deaths on the road, one in the track but none except for my grandfather when I was pretty young.

Now, with he who I loved the most gone and theoretically, gone forever, I have been unable to digest his dying. So many answers remain, Will he ever wait for me at the gates of heaven. Will he even remember me.

What about the smoke that he became. In front of my own eyes, I saw him change to smoke, through that tall chimney with a bird flying round and round. I have his ashes with me, some of which I dropped off at various places recently. Now, that he is smoke - how will he change back into the form that he was when he was here. Very difficult to answer this.

I feel that he has settled on some cloud or maybe just floating around and will one day float back to earth or the ocean and be a part of the soil or sink into the sea. Which means, he will not come back as I knew him. Which means he is gone forever. Which also means, there is no afterlife for Siddu, atleast not in the form of what he was when was here. Which thus means, he is gone.

I have his ashes though and I can say with surety that in whatever form, it is but him. The only remaining physical form that he left behind.

And if his soul, if there is a soul. And if is soul does indeed extract itself from all the smoke and the ashes that I have, why would his soul wish to go anywhere, any heaven but be with me. I was his heaven and he was mine. Why would he go to some random place, heaven it may be, and wait there for me. If he is the Siddu I know, he will just stay with me. This leaves me with an advantage. I do not have too carry him around, no airlines fees, no problems of visa, of the railways. Wherever I go, he goes. That is nice.

However suppose, someone did come and tell him that he cannot stay by me and has to go to heaven, I am sure he must be lousy and howl his way into everyone's nerves up there. He will refuse to eat and just stare at the distance, perhaps look down at me. And wait for me to meet him fast. And the longer I take to reach him, the more sad he will become. Which means, this is a Catch-22. They will not let him stay by me and take him somewhere, where he will be sad. And if he stays with me, he will not be able to lick me and he will be sad. What can be the way out.

One, I need to keep him by my side all the time and talk to him occasionally so that he does not feel sad about licking me. Two if he is up somewhere, I need to make arrangements to see him soon. Once, I kept in Kabini for a month and he was as miserable as a miserable dog.

Siddu Raja..... Chill man, your ashes are warm and your hair is all around. Don't you dare forget me.

March 11, 2016

My baby is gone

6 years 6 months and 5 days.

My baby is gone. Gone somewhere, where. I do not know.

My baby is gone. 6 years 6 months and 5 days....