I was a privileged one.
And had not seen any deaths in the family. Some deaths on the road, one in the track but none except for my grandfather when I was pretty young.
Now, with he who I loved the most gone and theoretically, gone forever, I have been unable to digest his dying. So many answers remain, Will he ever wait for me at the gates of heaven. Will he even remember me.
What about the smoke that he became. In front of my own eyes, I saw him change to smoke, through that tall chimney with a bird flying round and round. I have his ashes with me, some of which I dropped off at various places recently. Now, that he is smoke - how will he change back into the form that he was when he was here. Very difficult to answer this.
I feel that he has settled on some cloud or maybe just floating around and will one day float back to earth or the ocean and be a part of the soil or sink into the sea. Which means, he will not come back as I knew him. Which means he is gone forever. Which also means, there is no afterlife for Siddu, atleast not in the form of what he was when was here. Which thus means, he is gone.
I have his ashes though and I can say with surety that in whatever form, it is but him. The only remaining physical form that he left behind.
And if his soul, if there is a soul. And if is soul does indeed extract itself from all the smoke and the ashes that I have, why would his soul wish to go anywhere, any heaven but be with me. I was his heaven and he was mine. Why would he go to some random place, heaven it may be, and wait there for me. If he is the Siddu I know, he will just stay with me. This leaves me with an advantage. I do not have too carry him around, no airlines fees, no problems of visa, of the railways. Wherever I go, he goes. That is nice.
However suppose, someone did come and tell him that he cannot stay by me and has to go to heaven, I am sure he must be lousy and howl his way into everyone's nerves up there. He will refuse to eat and just stare at the distance, perhaps look down at me. And wait for me to meet him fast. And the longer I take to reach him, the more sad he will become. Which means, this is a Catch-22. They will not let him stay by me and take him somewhere, where he will be sad. And if he stays with me, he will not be able to lick me and he will be sad. What can be the way out.
One, I need to keep him by my side all the time and talk to him occasionally so that he does not feel sad about licking me. Two if he is up somewhere, I need to make arrangements to see him soon. Once, I kept in Kabini for a month and he was as miserable as a miserable dog.
Siddu Raja..... Chill man, your ashes are warm and your hair is all around. Don't you dare forget me.