Sushant is just one of us
His smile and Dhoni's smile glow and glow more when they are sitting in the same room and smiling together. And as a friend said yesterday, his eyes too. And as I was noticing him in some award show, his face too. They all glow in the classic James Dean style, the classic Tom Cruise style.
He glowed. And I liked him even more. And just like all the thousands of people who liked him, I finally did not get to see Sonchiriya and said to myself that, I will surely watch it when it comes to TV. And like so many of his fans, I would say that Sonchiriya is possibly his best work and yet, I did not really watch the film, even till now.
His work was such. It required constant validation and more than others. For he was the outsider. But we are all outsiders, isn't it. Working in wildlife conservation, I have often felt like an outsider in front of people who talk strange jargon and talk of saving a tiger and I feel like an outsider when I think that all we need to do to conserve wildlife is to save the forest. Working in the tribal development network, I have often felt like an outsider for they would talk of this-mode of development-sustainability and rights and all I would feel and hide within myself is the fact that tribals require nothing more than the freedom to be left alone - left alone from these pestering outsiders who decided one fine day that they know it all.
He was troubled or was he. He took a drastic step or did he. He committed a grave error or may be. In the process of what we call life, he took another step and at that moment, he decided not to step back. In those moments, around 10 am to 10.30 am, barely 48 hours ago, he decided to take a call. He must have felt many things or maybe he felt nothing. Maybe, for a change, things would have been clear to him and he might have tied the knot strongly and recalled the many TV serials to ensure that he threw the bed sheet over the fan correctly. He must have thought of his father and sisters and friends and maybe the canteen wala from his college days. He must have taken a long pause and using his knowledge of Physics, decided that the angles were correct and when he was just moments away, he would have said bye bye to noone in particular. For one moment, he was not responsible for anything that happened afterwards. For that one last time, he lived in that moment. I don't know for sure, but perhaps he felt good.
He was like the rest of us, untouched by star dust yet the proverbial firefly - that 'phoding' of our childhood, that being whose light casts a dull shadow in the vastness of the night and yet he was of this world, he would come floating down and he would become the rest of us.
Was he, perhaps I am just thinking, was he here as a reminder that all is fleeting and still, we all say that it is the present that matters - was he just here as a reminder being in the present is as difficult a task as attaining nirvana. Perhaps, his longing for his past and all the million memories that came with it and his fear of the future was what made him just like us. And when he died, I can say with certainty, he managed to take a small part of all of us with him, into a realm where the past, present and future merge.
First written on 16th June, 2020
He glowed. And I liked him even more. And just like all the thousands of people who liked him, I finally did not get to see Sonchiriya and said to myself that, I will surely watch it when it comes to TV. And like so many of his fans, I would say that Sonchiriya is possibly his best work and yet, I did not really watch the film, even till now.
His work was such. It required constant validation and more than others. For he was the outsider. But we are all outsiders, isn't it. Working in wildlife conservation, I have often felt like an outsider in front of people who talk strange jargon and talk of saving a tiger and I feel like an outsider when I think that all we need to do to conserve wildlife is to save the forest. Working in the tribal development network, I have often felt like an outsider for they would talk of this-mode of development-sustainability and rights and all I would feel and hide within myself is the fact that tribals require nothing more than the freedom to be left alone - left alone from these pestering outsiders who decided one fine day that they know it all.
He was troubled or was he. He took a drastic step or did he. He committed a grave error or may be. In the process of what we call life, he took another step and at that moment, he decided not to step back. In those moments, around 10 am to 10.30 am, barely 48 hours ago, he decided to take a call. He must have felt many things or maybe he felt nothing. Maybe, for a change, things would have been clear to him and he might have tied the knot strongly and recalled the many TV serials to ensure that he threw the bed sheet over the fan correctly. He must have thought of his father and sisters and friends and maybe the canteen wala from his college days. He must have taken a long pause and using his knowledge of Physics, decided that the angles were correct and when he was just moments away, he would have said bye bye to noone in particular. For one moment, he was not responsible for anything that happened afterwards. For that one last time, he lived in that moment. I don't know for sure, but perhaps he felt good.
He was like the rest of us, untouched by star dust yet the proverbial firefly - that 'phoding' of our childhood, that being whose light casts a dull shadow in the vastness of the night and yet he was of this world, he would come floating down and he would become the rest of us.
Was he, perhaps I am just thinking, was he here as a reminder that all is fleeting and still, we all say that it is the present that matters - was he just here as a reminder being in the present is as difficult a task as attaining nirvana. Perhaps, his longing for his past and all the million memories that came with it and his fear of the future was what made him just like us. And when he died, I can say with certainty, he managed to take a small part of all of us with him, into a realm where the past, present and future merge.
First written on 16th June, 2020
